Rejection, Bullying, Body Issues, and The Underdog: Jessica Simpson's Memoir "Open Book" Part 2
Jessica Simpson's "Open Book"
Part 2: Rejection, Bullying, and Body Issues (Grab Some Tissues)
Before I get into it, I'm going to share two "indie music" songs for this post (Jessica Simpson fans may not know about).
"Shadow Stabbing" from a band named, "Cake." I loved the rhythm of "Shadow Stabbing" to find a good gait in order to "get in the zone" for a long run. The type of run that requires a runner to pace themselves so that they won't burn out too soon. This song is something I would play often when I first started experimenting with writing. I loved the first lyrics of this song as a "get in the writing-zone" frame of mind.
The lyrics:
Adjectives on the typewriterHe moves his words like a prize fighterThe frenzied pace of the mind inside the cell
I need this song to feel like I am "moving my words like a prizefighter" as I blog.
A high school English teacher held me back after class to show me how to blog, when "blogging" wasn't cool. Is it cool now? Maybe it's still not that cool...but I'm fairly confident that she would be proud right now.
I'm a blogger now.
Speaking of another song I would listen to while running laps, "The Underdog" by a band named, "Spoon." The song lyrics about a person who doesn't regard "the little guy." I used to play chess...competitively...I know...it's a long story. It's always a long story with me. Hence, working on my own book project. There was a phrase I learned, "never underestimate your opponent." It means don't disregard someone as underneath you.
The Underdog:
In the last post we learned that Jessica is clearly "The Underdog" in an audition process for a "New Mikey Mouse Club." Unlike Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera, she is trying out in thrift shop clothing, school photos over professional headshots, and this happened to be her first huge audition.
I left off right as we were about to learn, "does she make it?"
Well, does she?
One of the most important life skills to obtain is getting over rejection. That comes with an understanding that life serves a bigger helping of rejection than it does acceptance. Unfortunately, the only way to develop a callus towards rejection is through repeated rejection. It's like becoming a good writer, or painter, or anything, the only way through to "good" is a whole bunch of "bad." Likewise, in order to develop "thick skin" means repeated friction with the forces that build up a tolerance.
Grab your tissues. This "rejection" part is not the worst part of her story.
Jessica Simpson would check the mail everyday after school stuck in a limbo between being a regular kid and a kid that was on TV newly accepted into "The New Mickey Mouse Club." She already accomplished a major feat of being selected as a top eight finalist from a national open call audition that attracted 50,000 hopefuls. Now, all that stood between a television role, a possible end to financial hardships, and the start of a career in the entertainment industry, was a measly letter.
One Saturday, after coming home from the movies, a skinny letter from Disney had finally arrived.
Jessica and her family gathered around the living room to open it.
It was a no.
She started crying as soon as the news set in. She handed the letter to her mom and locked herself in her room. In her young mind, all she registered was, "not you."
As a grown woman, she had her mom read the letter and realized it was far less traumatizing than she remembered it to be. The letter was actually...nice.
Her mom read it out to her over the phone. It took Jessica a minute for it to sink in that it wasn't as bad as she remembered it.
"It was addressed to us, first of all, Jessica," she said, "It said your daughter has a ton of talent, she's amazing. 'Keep doing what you're doing. I know we're going to see you again someday.'
I had to sit with that for a minute. For over twenty years, I just remembered the 'We don't want you.'" Pg. 70
Jessica recalls she cried for days over this rejection letter. The sense of loss and missed opportunity felt suffocating to her. She emphasized that while most people think "crying for days" seems like an expression, or exaggeration, she was actually crying all day, while eating, before sleeping, and going about her days.
Her parents differed on what to do next.
Her mom didn't think Jessica, or the family, could experience this sort of devastation again. Her dad, on the other hand, felt as if they were all of the verge of something. He was mesmerized by having come so close to the flame and hooked by the allure of stardom.
Her dad had a new idea...
He found a pastor, Buster Soaries, who had just started a gospel record label. He wanted to invite him to speak at the church in order to get him to hear Jessica preform.
Jessica overhears a discussion between her parents while inside a bathroom. They went back and forth over raising Jessica to be a star or normal teen. Jessica pops out to settle it, "I want to do it."
Her parents invested in a vocal coach. She learned from the coach that she has a four octave vocal range. To put that in perspective, Mariah Carey has five. Jessica is only missing the whistle-like notes Mariah does in "Emotions." The vocal coach helped build her confidence for the church performance Buster attended. Jessica chose to sing, "I Will Always Love You." She told the crowd it was about love waiting (since one of Buster's platforms was "abstinence").
Buster compares Jessica to a young "Whitney Houston, " which he knew when she was around Jessica's age, and decided to sign Jessica to his label, "Proclaim Records."
Her first song as a signed artist was, "God Says Wait."
Can you guess what it is about?
Abstinence.
Buster was able to get her "gigs" on the gospel circuit. She traveled "on the road. She dealt with nervousness by taking NyQuil and Tylenol PM to force herself to sleep when she couldn't do it naturally. Upon reflection, this is where a "dependency" was started.
Her mom pressed for a break. She wanted Jessica to experience some semblance of a "normal" childhood and told her to "be a cheerleader."
Jessica Becomes a Cheerleader
(Bullying and Body Shaming)
As a teen Jessica was ashamed of her body. By the time she was in 8th grade, she was noticeably more developed than her peers. It was the source of all kinds of unwanted attention and remarks. Once, before preforming in front of a church, the pastor grabbed her mom and pointed out Jessica's developing figure. Her mom's response was an offended, "why were you even looking?" No matter how many insulting comments she received Jessica's mom stood up for her and reminded her, "it's how God made you and God loves you." In this instance with the pastor, they reached a compromise with the church. Jessica would perform in oversized blazers. Jessica sought revenge by being obnoxious in church, sure erupt in loud laughter each time the pastor missed a beat somewhere during the service.
The scrutiny over her developing figure wasn't happening only at church, when she performed outside of church it seemed she would be accused of dressing too sexy. Even when she was wearing exact outfits other girls her age were wearing at the time. Cheerleading in a squad of roughly 20 cheerleaders at school seemed like a good place for her to fit in...until she met "Beetlejuice."
Beetlejuice is the changed-named of one of Jessica's friend-turned-bullies.
Beetlejuice and Jessica became best friends. They would camp out in the backyard on Texas fall nights and bonded over confiding in each other during sleepovers. They talked about the typical topics kids share with each other, teachers they hated and guys they liked.
Beetlejuice had an obsessive crush on a guy named Mark.
When Mark so much as looked at Beetlejuice, she would go over the play-by-play with Jessica. The small topics they discussed turned into bigger topics. One day, Beetlejuice decided to tell a secret to Jessica. Someone she knew was being "inappropriately touched" (this term is being modified to fit sensitive platforms and people) and Jessica felt compelled to share her own story about being "touched inappropriately" by an older girl her family used to visit.
"'I didn't say anything,' I said, 'it was a girl and I let her do it for too long.' I shared about the girl who abused me. When I finished, Beetlejuice didn't hug me. The story just hung there in the dark.'"
Pg. 80
Up until that point, only Jessica's parents knew about this indecent.
A couple days later...
Jessica was in English class, behind a group of boys, which included "Mark." Mark was Beetlejuice's obession. Jessica noticed the group of boys looked back at her, including Mark. Suddenly one blurted out, "Mark loves Jessica."
Mark doesn't deny it, instead he smiled.
Jessica rolls her eyes, but reflexively smiled back.
The exchanged is witnessed by none other than Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice looked visibly upset and Jessica caught it. Beetlejuice sprinted out of class. Mark lingered behind and stood in the way. Jessica pushed past Mark to find her friend. When she doesn't, she figured she will clear things up during the afternoon cheer-practice.
When Jessica went to cheer practice, she was met with whispers.
"We know what you did," someone cryptically announced.
"I don't like Mark" she addressed the gossip.
"Of course you don't, lezzie." A girl replied.
"What is lezzie?" Jessica asked.
The squad gave Jessica looks that shifted between disbelief and disgust.
Beetlejuice stood up and said, "I told them what you did to me."
"What?" Jessica asked.
Beetlejuice made it clear to Jessica that the story of told in confidence was now "out there" and turned around on Jessica. Beetlejuice told everyone Jessica tried to abuse her by inappropriately touching her during a sleepover.
Jessica jumped up and yelled that this was not true.
It didn't matter, no one believed Jessica. Just like "The Salem Witch Trials" the rumor took on a life of its own. Three other girls joined in with their own made up stories. Jessica was not even alone with them or at any of their houses. Logic did not matter, they claimed Jessica tried to inappropriately touch them too.
Jessica ran to the nearest phone to call the church and get a hold of her mom to pick her up from practice. In the car, Jessica was a mess. She didn't know how to explain any of this to her parents. That night their house was "egged" and "Die B*tch" was painted across the home in black shoe polish. Her sister, Ashlee, was very confused over this as a nine year old. Her dad attempted to take the hose to the stain, but it wouldn't come off until he tried elbow-grease and something from the hardware store.
For two weeks Jessica couldn't go to school. She was concerned for her safety.
Jessica's mom tried to get Jessica to go back to school. She called the school for assurance that Jessica would be watched carefully following the incident. Someone littered the lawn outside her house with anti-gay flyers. Her Dad started keeping watch, staying up and on the look out.
"People I didn't even know were backstabbing me, tormenting our family. And I handed Beetlejuice the knife by telling her my story." Pg. 82
Finally, Jessica's mom made her go back to school to face everyone for picture day. Jessica had to wear her cheerleading uniform for the team photo.
"I kept my head down while walking to my locker. I could tell by the clogged vents that my locker was full of junk. People had slipped garbage in, literal garbage, but also the trash of the same anti-gay pamphlets that littered our yard. The contents spilled out and I cried, not sure what to do with my backpack, which now seemed so pointless because clearly I could never come back there." Pg. 83
Jessica asked her mom, who was walking her through this day at school, to take her home. Her mom reminded Jessica that she still needed to face her squad. Jessica avoided people most of the day, spending the majority of the time inside the bathroom. She would look down, pretending to wash her hands if anyone came in.
Jessica mustered her courage to take the school photos. She got through her solo shot and hung back for the group shot. To her surprise, one girl, Lesa, said hi. "I missed you," she whispered to Jessica.
"It was a small little beacon of kindness, a tiny light in the distance that said to keep floating and don't sink." Pg. 84
Beetlejuice didn't seem able to look Jessica in the eyes during the photoshoot. Feeling up for it, Jessica decided to show up to cheer for a school basketball game that night. Everything seemed to go well, until one of the bullying-girls gathered a couple others. They surrounded Jessica with their pom-poms and chanted, "Les-bi-an, Les-bi-an."
Jessica ran out.
Her parents followed her.
Safe within the kitchen of her house, she wondered if this is who she actually was. It was confusing. She did not even really know what it meant. Did being touched inappropriately by a girl at one point make her like this forever? She did even understand how any of this worked.
It was possible that this last bullying incident, at the basketball game, was so public that the school counselors had to talk to the kids. This "talk" caused them all to recant their behavior and to apologize to Jessica when she returned once again.
She still quit the cheerleading team.
Jessica brings up a good point here. It wasn't her "dream" to be a cheerleader, but what if it was? Bullying isn't just a harassment issue, it is also limiting opportunities and potential in people (stay tuned for the bonus story of Mariah Carey's bullying incdient directly after this story). The saddest part about this, is that one time Jessica finally did open up to someone about the abuse she experienced, it was used against her in this way. Even when people "moved on," this scar was left behind in Jessica.
Regardless, Jessica chose a path of not "focusing on" the bullies. Her mom told her a phrase that got her through this which was, "Where are they going in life?"
A lot of times, especially inside the storms like "being bullied," we miss the "bigger picture." When you take a second to reflect, people who are taking their time and energy just to make someone else miserable must be a pretty miserable person themselves. People who are happy about themselves, and "know where they are going," simply don't have the time or energy to go out of their way to bully someone else. Most of the time, bullying is a "projection" of deep rooted insecurities, fears, and weaker emotions that "the bully" lacks the self-awareness or guts to address in themselves. Their own discomfort in their being causes them to act negatively. It is a waste of time to seek revenge towards these types of people, and Jessica's mom is correct, in the long term,"where are they going?"
This sort of behavior takes a person nowhere quick.
What happened to one of Jessica's bullies later in life? Jessica found out she became a waitress at Hooters. Not that there is anything wrong with being a waitress at Hooters (she points out in the book). What happened to the kind girl who approached Jessica to say, "I missed you." She became a successful therapist. Actions go a long way. People tend to get on board with kind people. While a bully might have some power in a moment, they will lose steam in the long run, their scared "minions" acting out of fear, can't follow them into a distant future. It is better to keep yourself focused on people who root for you, not those who root for you to fail.
"'The people I want to focus on are Lesa, who was kind to me and went on to be come a successful therapist, and you. If you are being bullied, whether it's because you're mayor someone decides they don't like something about you, let me be the Lesa who says, 'I see you.' You are perfectly made.'" Pg. 86
Alright guys, that seems like a great place to stop for today. You are "seen" and you are perfectly made.
In instances where you witness bullying, be a "Lesa." In the instance you feel that you are the bully to someone else, take a second to reflect on "why?" What is it about the person that you are bullying that bothers you? Many reformed bullies look back at unkind incidents and realize that they were acting out something they didn't address in their own life. Becoming self-aware is the first step towards maturity and developing into an emotionally intelligent person.
BONUS: Mariah Carey's Bullying Incident:
Side note: If I could "hug" little Jessica Simpson and little Mariah Carey I would have. People we need to stop bullying in schools. School needs to be a safe learning space for everyone. I don't know if "I have all the answers" but I am sure there is a better answer than all this nonsense I read about.
If you are a female singer, most likely you have heard about two very distinct vocalists, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey. In fact, Jessica Simpson references both singers as ones she looked up to in developing her voice. The same applies to female singers all over the world. You can love her, or hate her, Mariah Carey is one of the few singers of this world in the "diva" category. A bonafide, universally recognized, diva...deee...vaaahhh...
Like Jessica, Mariah grew up poor. She felt "different." Unlike the Irish girls with blue eyes who formed a popular clique, she was half-white and half black with brown eyes. Her hair was such a fuzzy mess they called her, "Fozzie Bear" from "The Muppet Babies." The popular girls, on the other hand, had silky hair, light eyes, and milky skin. They seemed to be the pinnacle of physical perfection. Mariah wanted to belong so badly, and her "frenemy" in this group just happened to be the prettiest one. Mariah would talk about a crush on a boy, and this "frenemy" girl would go out of her way to date the boy Mariah pointed out. Mariah never had any intention of ever asking out any of the crushes she had because she felt she was keeping two secrets. She didn't want any of them to find out that she was half-black and one hundred percent poor.
None of these snobby girls "really" knew Mariah.
Mariah wouldn't dream of risking getting pregnant young like her sister did and derailing her big dreams. So it didn't really bother her that this "crush-stealing" thing was going on.
Some of the girls did know of Mariah's mother, because she was Irish just as they were, and a professional opera singer (which was respectable). Unbeknownst to Mariah, her mom sent a letter when she found out the father of the prettiest girl was beating her mother. In that letter, Mariah's mom must have mentioned that Mariah's dad was black.
These were not "nice" girls.
They could have had Mariah fooled the day she was invited to a posh "Southhampton" sleepover. How could she say, "no?" These were the popular girls. The sleepover was in "fancy" place. Mariah was awestruck entering the house.
"C'mon, Mariah. Let's go back here."
They lured her into a smaller room, that could be a den, playroom, or guest room. Mariah followed them without question. At first, she assumed someone snuck alcohol. Once they were all inside the room and the door clicked shut. The girls gathered around and got strangely quiet before the prettiest one used the "N-word."
The others followed. Soon they were chanting it. The shame and secret that Mariah was trying to hide. The unusual chant was so strong Mariah claims to have had an out-of-body experience. It finally dawned on her. They all tricked Mariah into thinking they actually like her...that she was a friend...one of them. They lured her hours away from her home, isolated her. Trapped her, and betrayed her. She exploded in tears, feeling disoriented and terrified. She felt is she kept crying a grown up would come and stop the assault. No one came.
Only one small voice spoke up, "Why are you doing this?"
Mariah doesn't remember much else from that day, except her "all-white" mom driving her home, and there was absolutely no way she was going to tell her all-white mom, how she was lured to an all-white house, where all-white girls decided to corner her and call her a very bad name. Like so much of Mariah's life experiences she turned this into lyrics for the song, " Looking In."
lyrics:
She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity
And hides herself inside of me
Don't say she takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand
It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
they will never know the real me
~Looking In
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On that note, both “bullied” singers became world famous and wrote memoirs. It should leave you thinking about who you would be in someone’s memoir? If you liked this post, I’m inviting you to come see my next fashion show.
"Dreaming of Haute" is a fashion show event bringing together some of San Antonio’s top designers, makeup/hair artists, local celebrities, & local businesses in honor of DreamWeek. In three shows under one roof in one day, our fashion show features models and designers from different backgrounds, all inspired by the icons of our past that gave us a voice.
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Presented by DreamVoice for DreamWeek.
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